A Better View

Today is a day where I need to let go and just cry! My heart has been weigh down for many years, since I was a little girl and slowly it’s allowing me to let go. Life always hands people lemons and many people deal with it in their own ways. I live life to appreciate everything that comes into my life whether it’s good or bad. Even when I cry I smile and laugh.

I grew up with nothing and I am living with so many riches! My children push me to be better, more loving, more open and more willing to step forward. For the past few months I hit my bottom and when I need my space, it seems that everyone just wanted to treat me now with like I never existed. I have only a few friends that I can count on that know deeply why I struggle. My life is not easy, but let me tell you I get through it. I may vent about things, but at least I can express myself whether people like it or not. This is my life and no one else can change my outcome.

My husband is my rock, my children are my strength and the love that thrives in me is my way of living. No one can tell me any different! From the moment I was being teased, abused, verbally abused and trying to understand why me? I found it has given me the life that I have now. But no one will understand why I sit alone and cry or why, unless you really listen and look into my eyes. I should cry and I want too, but what you find is me smiling because all I want in life is to smile and want my family and friends to know that about me. No matter how bad things get I will smile!

So while my family and friends sit there and forget or dismiss my why of reaching out for help, they are missing out on a part of my life that they will never learn. When I see a man/woman who needs help, I will dig in my purse or stop by to pick up a meal. When my son has a melt down because he is struggling, they don’t see me crying with him, when my daughter faces things in her teen life, me trying to help guide her, my three old is doing things he isn’t, I am trying to explain with warm words. When my husband is facing a block, I am trying to help him. And all of this, where are my hands willing to help me? But here I am, like I tell my husband “It’s okay, I have you, I have God, I have the kids and I have the few people I can count on one hand who truly know. Everyone is living their life and that’s what I want them to do and we faced near death and that’s what makes us strong and me able to say its okay.” We are all living life to the fullest, some want the luxury of things and that’s what is important to them and most of are dealing with more things thing than the ones who just don’t want to even bother.

I hear it all the time, Jess you need to take care of you and you do too much. If I don’t do them, no one else will. So when I am venting don’t dismiss me or anyone, sometimes it’s a plea for help or allowing others to be a part of what they are going through. Remember no one is right or wrong, nor are you better than others. So here is to me chalking things up and saying, I’m going to breathe again and face everything that God gives me because he knows I can handle it and he knows it only opens my heart to seeing a world in a better view. 

Simple Please!

 Waking up this morning to get Ian ready for school was like asking an elephant to put pants on. My son has become more and more unwilling to take in my warnings of running late. He rides a school bus to school m-f and today the bus was here on time, but yet he wanted to take 10mins to ignore me. I do not like to argue with him, because it only makes it worst especially a child who has Autism. I am glad Daddy was able to flag the bus driver and her wait; all while Ian is blaming me for him not having his shoes on and the bus being here already. It’s always someone else fault not his own!  My home use to be in a routine and order, than it become crazy with a third child. I am going to list my children’s personalities when it comes to keeping cleaning.

Sums up how I feel daily!!!

Taylor (my pre-teen): Forgets everything, rather spend all day reading (a good thing, don’t get me wrong), keeping up with 1D, half ass work, forgets to check her chore chart and thinks she should get paid for basically being Taylor… She frustrates me the most!          

My pre-teen sums it up!

Ian: He is my 5 year old; he is good about keeping decent and will clean up his mess. But he rather play his video games and be left alone, than to be ask to do anything. Example: it will take him an hour to close his sock drawer after I reminded him several times. Then it becomes a HUGE drama production with him, of somehow it’s my fault or something.

Liam: my 3 year old; now this kid will make any person with OCD want to hang their selves with toilet paper lol. He is so mess, you can always find him with the trail of trash he leaves behind him.

My house has looked like this! All done by a 3yr old lol

I just shake my head at the fact that I try my hardest, to not raise my voice, direct my desires and teach them to be responsible little people. It doesn’t help when my own husband doesn’t see he leads by example too and since the kids have daddy home more now they want to be like him. Sit at the computer; eat at the computer, short temper with mommy when asking to get things done and walk all over me. I know he may not see it that way, but that’s how it is. But I am praying that my oldest will turn around with her sassy mouth and start helping without me having to remind her. I mean shoot, you want to earn an allowance, than do your chores right? I never got an allowance growing up and I had to help raise my siblings and cook for my dad when I was 13yrs old. Well I have been raising my siblings since I could remember at a very young age, due to my mother always walking out on us and leaving for days. I don’t want that for my kids and just want it to be simple, clean up and keep a organize home for a few hours please.

I do let my kids make fun messes! Just not like the above YIKES. lol

Mad House

As you can tell this is my personal blog! A place where I can write how I feel and what is on my mind, so many can understand who Jessica is. I will not be prefect with my grammar or my spelling, but shooting from the hip and being real. To be honest it’s all I can do is be me.I really do not know where to start this blog other than writing about how I felt today! Waking up, I felt like blah and wish I didn’t feel this way. My pregnancy is taking it’s toll on me and I just wish for my son to be in my arms.

After I got up, got the boys feed (Ian was home from school sick) and struggling to walk around, I managed to get a shower in. As I showered, I started to feel my anxiety creep up on me and I just became upset. I have this way of life where my home has to be in order, organized and manageable when it comes to cleaning. Since I took the back burner on trying to teach my family that I did do a lot, my house has becomes a cluster of yuck in my opinion. So I sent my husband a HUGE text message saying how much I need that help or my mind will just sink from it. I sink because I notice how much more my kids are become lazy and refuse to help at times. They will do what is asked of them and run back to their toys i.e. their technology. It’s what my husband does all the time and as I put it for him to understand and for us not to fight; I have done a lot to understand your needs, please understands I need this home in tip top order. Crazy to many, but not crazy to me! I’ve always been this way since I was a kid, I need order!

Since Ian wasn’t coughing so much and I had Liam’s attention, we straighten up their bedroom (mind the house we live in is really old, not updated and all our rooms have this awful smell I can’t get rid of) and I applied more freshener to the room. Along they help me put their clean laundry away and then we played in the pool. I was able to get a load of dirty laundry going and one drying, kitchen straighten, floors swept and mop; this was ALL this pregnant lady could do before contractions came on and my feet began to tighten up. Oh let’s not forget the endless task a mother has to do, feed hungry and very growing boys lol.  

I only wish for a few things in my life, which is to get my WHOLE family on board with keeping things in order and listening. I do believe we ALL could use a time limit on things and life would be easier. All in all if I wasn’t knocked up, I would have this house cleaned by the end of the day. But I believe a home requires team work and teaching children how to handle cleaning up after their selves. With that comes learning to have patients with them as well. That’s part of my day from 6am to 3pm and my day is still not over, I can manage a lot and handle a lot. I learn to be manageable for the most part!

Thank you for reading my very boring and most likely complaining hahaha